Royal Albion Hotel, Brighton

Our score:

• Off-peak price: £49-£69
• Peak price: £115-£205
• Dog friendly: Yes
• Disabled access: Yes
• Date inspected: November 2018

This elegant Grade II listed building with its Regency-style balconies and Corinthian columns occupies a prime position on Brighton’s seafront. However, venture inside and the cracked walls, peeling wallpaper and stained carpets offer a sharp contrast. This is a Britannia, after all, rated the UK’s worst hotel chain six years running. A ripped leather armchair is patched up with duct tape and chewing-gum clings to a bannister, adding to the musty air of neglect. Outside, the sun terrace is a minefield of cigarette butts and bird’s mess – evidence that the listless staff have given up on their surroundings altogether.

The Location: 4/5

The Building: 2/5

Cleanliness: 0.5/5

Customer service: 2/5

Description matching reality: 2/5

Value for money: 2/5

Rooms

The sea view fails to distract us from the dated, tatty furniture and the stained lampshades, thick with dust. Just a glance at the bed – two rickety singles on wheels pushed together – is enough to bring on a bout of sciatica. What’s more, the flimsy pillow could double as a bookmark. Sadly the broken jacuzzi bath offers no salvation. Instead we chase the drips in the weak shower and practically remove a layer of skin with the scratchy, paper thin towels.

Bed Comfort: 1/5

The Bedroom: 2/5

The Bathroom: 1/5

Food & drink

The empty bottles and half-eaten remains of room service clutter the corridors for the entirety of our stay. Meanwhile, the breakfast buffet is the stuff of lukewarm nightmares with grease-soaked fried bread and a selection of straight-from-the-tin fruit and tomatoes. There’s a choice of eggs: scrambled, watery and anaemic or boiled until the yolks are tinged grey. And if that doesn’t kill your appetite, the bitter chicory-laced coffee surely will.

Food and drink: 0.5/5

Our verdict